scared

Recognizing some more feelings.

The series about what I learn in cognitive behavior therapy consist of the following parts:

1. Cognitive behavior therapy
2. Strong anonymous feelings
3. 751
4. Feelings scared
5. Accepting comments selectively
6. Mad as Hell

The thing is.
When you’re writing a series of articles about the therapy you’re doing to learn to recognize your feelings, you’re tempted to wanting to write the causes of all those new feelings you find. But it doesn’t always work that way.
Last week I was going to write an article about the link between friendship and fear. But it didn’t feel right.

(That’s one of those strange things of being autistic: How can you feel that something doesn’t feel right if you don’t know what you’re feeling?
I’m told that is because reacting to a feeling is regulated by one part of the brain and recognizing a feeling is regulated by an other part. That second part of the brain doesn’t work as it should in autistics. But it’s still very strange.)

Last week I discovered that the always present feeling of cold has nothing to do with autism.
Apparently I’m afraid of something and have been so for years. Only I don’t know what it is that I’m afraid of.

Last night I found an other sign of fear.
I’m about 30 kilo over weight as of result of my ever present feeling of hunger. I’ve tried to start a diet several times but every time the feeling of hunger wins out.
Last night I had two opposing feelings.
On the one hand I had the feeling my tummy would burst but at the same time I had a feeling of hunger.
So I eat. About twice as much as I would have eaten on a normal day. The feeling that my tummy would burst became much stronger. But still I had the feeling of hunger.

Thinking about it, it became clear that I was interpreting this feeling wrong.
So what could it be.
Luckily I know the list of psychical sensations associated with feeling scared. Just like a few weeks ago I found that knowing a list and recognizing a feeling are two separate things. But when you start thinking about what a feeling could mean it’s far more easier if you know the list.
In this case I have a fairly nasty feeling in my throat.
I used to associate this feeling with being sick. But some 20 years ago I found that eating something would make this feeling go away. So I concluded that it probably would have something to do with feeling hungery.
But now it’s clear that concussion was false. This is also a feeling of fear.

(Of course eating when you’re scared will give you the feeling that you’re in control and then the feeling of fear will pass.)

So I’m scared.
And I’ve been scared for at least the last 20 years.
And I have no clue as to why I’m scared.

It’s actually a nice to know that I’m scared.
As strange as that may sound.

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