Musical animation in which an old man remembers the people in his life.
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Posts tagged as:
life
I feel trapped.
My job is boring and pointless.
My favorite bar is about to go belly up (although the owner still doesn’t know it).
I have hardly any friends.
I hardly ever talk to the kind of people I like to talk with.
I’ve got to get out of here.
Being autistic I’m told that I lack the skills that are necessary to find a new job.
Maybe so. But you never really know until you’ve tried, do you.
So I decided that even if I don’t find a job I should try. If only because you always learn something from trying.
On Monsterboard I found the question “Where do you want to be in five years?”
Thinking about that I realized that’s one of my problems.
I’m only 47 yrs and I live in the past. (We all do at the sheltered workplace.)
I’m always thinking about what went wrong. What aspects of my autism lead me to the place I’ve ended up.
But that’s a dead end.
Knowing how I got here will never help me to get on.
Not with my life.
And not with my art.
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Wizaard_by_sittingducky
From http://sittingducky.deviantart.com/art/Wizaard-111940699
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
From http://sittingducky.deviantart.com/art/Wizaard-111940699
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
Daisy
Posted on Flickr by nomm de photo
ISS016-E-027586_tokyo
From http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Features/CitiesAtNight/
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
From http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Features/CitiesAtNight/
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
Strijp-s
Posted on Flickr by Maaaarten
Posted on Flickr by Maaaarten
Emergence
Posted on Flickr by Darth Fett
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A New Begining
Posted on Flickr by freetooglow
Detail of SUMMER in a Box
Posted on Flickr by Diana Thorold
Posted on Flickr by Diana Thorold
6 feet Alice
Posted on Flickr by UFOGlassHens
Posted on Flickr by UFOGlassHens
Portrait of a man
From http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=3&entry_id=334
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
From http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=3&entry_id=334
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
painting_sunset
From http://www.davidadamsonline.com/nature_paintings1.htm
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
From http://www.davidadamsonline.com/nature_paintings1.htm
Posted on Flickr by Henk ter Heide
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Edo and Mark Soetebier painting the Dutch country site and Illi painting landscapes and still lifes.
Edo aquarelle’s
How nice to find fellow countrymen on Flickr.
Edo paints Dutch landscapes à plein air. If I may say so without sounding chauvinistic he does know how to catch the Dutch landscape.
Rustenburg by Edo
Oil, watercolour & sketches by Illi
Illi has a nice little set of landscape and still life drawings and paintings.
She is still learning to express her self in this manner but she sure shows promise.
Mark Soetebier oil paints and watercolors
My country man Mark Christian Soetebier has created some really nice paintings of the Dutch country site and city life.
Maastricht in esecuzione by Mark Soetebier
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Thinking about subject matter, life goals and time management.
A few weeks ago I read a horror story about what can happen to your domain if you announce that you’re going to be off line for a few weeks. So I felt it better to schedule a few articles and leave.
Last week I was in the neighborhood of a small Dutch village called Haarle. With 19 other people from the Rotterdam Autie Club(Dutch) we spent a week in 4 little cottages.
It was a nice change to spent time with (from my perspective) normal people and to get away from my usual routines. A change to think about stuff I usually don’t get around to.
The cottage had a bath tub. Since I don’t have one at home I decide to try if bathing is as boring as I remember from my childhood. (It wasn’t.)
While soaking in my bath I started thinking about the subjects I choose to draw. Although I have drawn a lot of trees over the last year I find that I’m drawn to the more abstract subjects. I was wandering why that would be. Having a photographic memory and having given myself the assignment to draw the pictures in my mind I always thought that I would like real subjects in stead of abstract.
Thinking about it I realized that having a photographic memory is part of the reason why I don’t like real subject.
I’ve already seen it.
I don’t have pictures on my walls because repeatedly seeing the same pictures feels like reading a book for the ten thousands time. Drawing something I’ve seen feels like writing a book that already has been written a thousand times. A waste of time.
But thinking a little more I realized that this isn’t the only reason. It isn’t even the main reason.
I never realized it but I use my photographic memory in much the same way as other people use the snapshots of their holiday. I have this vast archive of every kind of picture you can imagine in my head but I hardly ever look at them.
These few day, just after getting back from holiday, I tend to remember odds and ends from my holiday. Sometimes in at work when I’m really bored I will try to remember nice pictures of beaches and orange skies.
But most of the time I’m busy thinking about the world around me: The relationship between people, objects and people and object. Those pictures tend to be fairly abstract.
Which means that drawing the pictures in my mind should mean drawing a lot of abstract pictures.
By nature autistics are interested in science, politics and religion.
Being on holiday with these people gave me a relieve from the daily discussions about “Goede tijden, slechte tijden” (the Dutch “As the world turns”). Stretching my brain to think about peoples opinions and thinking of arguments to support mine. After years of being bored to death I really felt my juices starting to flow again.
So much so that I re-thought my plans for the coming few years.
A year ago I had the idea that I should be possible to get a better job then the unskilled labour I’ve been doing the last few years. I found a psychologist that could help me figure out what my skills are and what kind of traits I bring to the table. But it has been slow going.
Turns out that it is almost impossible for a 46 year old gifted autistic to find an interesting job.
If I only were 20 years younger…
Until two weeks ago I thought that the only thing I had to expect from life was doing unskilled labour, drawing and writing art reviews. A rather depressing out look.
But after having a few interesting discussions during my holiday I realized that there is an other way to broaden my horizon. I could go back to school.
Not as a means to get a job but as a means to meet interesting people and to get infected with new and provoking ideas.
A bit to my disappointment the cottages where equipped with a television set. I wouldn’t have thought it necessary. Being on holiday with a group of interesting people I would have been content with filling my days with interesting conversations and doing games. But a few of my mates couldn’t go a day without their daily share of political news.
A habit of one of my mates got me thinking about time management.
This guy had to put the television set of (using the button on the set) before he went to bed. I don’t know why. Probably just because it was his habit. Autistics are funny that way.
It meant that every time somebody wanted to watch some show he first had to go the set and turn it on before using the remote to change the channel. Having to turn the television on by hand was so much of obstacle that people watch much less television then I had feared.
Back home I realized that watching television is the most important reason why I don’t get around to drawing and writing as much as I want.
When I eat my lunch, or any other meal, I’m tempted to turn on the television and sit there for 30 to 60 minutes watching something totally unimportant and uninteresting. I could have eaten my lunch in 5 minutes and then done something I really enjoy.
Even worse. When I’m bored I turn the television on.
In stead of looking 5 minutes out of a window and thinking of something enjoyable or useful I could do, I spend an evening watching time slip through my fingers.
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Describing painting by Frank Licsko and Qiang Huang and wood carvings by Vittoria Salati.
I’m somewhat in doubt about whether I should link to the paintings of Frank Licsko because I usually don’t link to sites with nudes on them. But most of the paintings are of landscapes.
This next set of paintings is a bit strange.
On my daily search for nice pictures I came across a picture that, at first glance, seemed as though it was painted by a child. But the colors where so clear that I put it aside for further inspection.
On looking closer I found that what looked like a set of paintings actually wasn’t. It where wood carvings colored with acrylic.
Farfalla Briciola by Vittoria Salati
To finish for this week a nice blog with still lifes by Qiang Huang. Recently he has done a lot of flower arrangements. But if you click back you’ll find other subjects like this Christmas piece with which the artist wasn’t very satisfied.
Ornament on oak by Qiang Huang
Beer bottle by Qiang Huang
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Thinking about the relation between autism and identity.
The last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between having autism and being autistic.
When I first started writing about autism I talked about having autism primarily because there are more searches for the keyword “autism” then for the keyword “autistic” and I wanted my writings to be found. Even so I had to correct myself several times. I’m prone to using the word autistic.
In the mean time I also read about autism. At first I read about the symptoms of autism and those article were written by experts in the field who always talked about having autism.
The last few months I try to read article that are written by people that have experience with autism themselves. That turns out to be much harder for the simple fact that there don’t seem to be many people with autism who blog about autism.
But the few I’ve found are adamant in their opinion that it should be “having autism” and not “being autistic”.
They seem to hold the same opinion I come across at the sheltered workplace were I work. “I’m not a wheelchair but I sit in a wheelchair.” Or a more clear cut explanation: Not being able to walk or to see or to lift heavy objects is only one of my qualities. It’s not my foremost quality.
But I still haven the feeling that it should be “I am autistic” and not “I have autism”.
So I’ve been thinking about the difference by comparing it to being gay.
I’ve defined myself as being gay, although it is indeed only one of my qualities, ever since I was 18 yr old.
I discovered that I liked men when I was sixteen. For two years I thought about what that meant for my life and what kind of problems I would have to face and by the time I was 18 I came out of the closet. I have had my fair share of problems but I must say that hardly any of them had anything to do with being gay.
But there is more.
I’ve met several thousand gay people over the years and in general they had a good life and were happy with the choices they had made.
I’ve also met some 50 to 60 men who like men and without exception they have a lot of problems. Not only with their sexuality but with all parts of their lifes.
They don’t like the job they have. They don’t like their girlfriends/wifes. They don’t like sneaking around (although they only think about it but never actually do). And most of all they are always afraid that they will be found out and loose every thing they have. (Although I would think they hardly have anything that is worth anything.)
Reading about the problems that people who have autism describe I’m reminded of a lot of the problems that are common with men who like men.
Fears of the consequence of being different. Fears of being bullied. Fears of not fitting in. Stories about painful remarks people have made.
What I miss are stories about solutions. Thinking about the sort of problems you’re likely to face and how you will deal with them. Instead of being blindsided the moment it happens.
So what’s the difference?
Well the difference between having autism and being autistic is something I’m still thinking about. But the difference between being gay and liking men is something I’ve solved years ago.
Sexual preference is hereditary. It’s something that just happens to you. You don’t control it. It’s something that makes you different from other people and they will react.
Identity is a choice you make. Usually it entails thinking a lot about your main characteristics. It means that you’ll have to think about what you want from life and what you want to change. You’ll have to think about what you could change and how to do that. You’ll also have to think about the characteristics you can’t change and how to deal with those. You’ll have to think about the kind of problems you’ll have to face and how to deal with them.
It’s a lot of work to think about identity but at some point you’ll be finished. You will have a blue print with a describtion of the way you want to live your life. Although this blue print won’t prevent you from having problems it will make it a lot easier to deal with those problems.
Twenty five years ago I had dozens of strategies about how I could deal with the kind of problems a gay man could face. I’ve forgotten most of them because I never came across any of those problems.
I’m not sure why that is. Maybe I was to pessimistic about what could go wrong. Or maybe I was able to recognize problems and avoid them. Or maybe I displayed so much selfconfidence that people left me alone.
This time I think it’s probably better to just define an identity for myself to steer my choices. I don’t think it’s a good idea to spend to much energy in thinking out strategies for situations that might never happen.
I define my identity as autistic gay artist who will get back at his ideal weight of 65 kg at some future point.
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A computer game teaches me to always play my “A” game even when the odds are stacked against me.
Practice, practice, practice. Every teacher and every coach will tell you that is the only way to learn skills. To practice and to learn them in the right order.
When you want to learn to tennis you’ll start with learning the forehand. When you’ve mastered that you’ll go on with the backhand and then the serve.
I don’t know what comes next because I never got that far.
When I started with the backhand I forgot the forehand. My coach thought I was faking and bullied me until I stopped with tennis.
Ten years after that I started fencing and again I wasn’t very good at it. In fact for six years I was the worst fencer of the club. But although we had a few very good fencer the majority of the members of the club just wanted to socialize.
I taught a number of beginning fencers the basics and everybody liked me for doing that.
Over the last year I’ve learned that forgetting skills after I’ve learned them is an intricate part of having autism.
This means that there always is a drawback in learning a new skill. I will forget a few skills in the process. Although they will come back I will forget them again the next time I learn a new skill.
Sometimes I have a hard time rembering what I liked about something when I only get worse while I practice and practice.
Two years ago I found a new hobby. Driving a car in simulation games. Games like Colin McCrea Rally (CMR) and Midnight Club.
In real live I don’t drive because I’ve problems observating traffic. Especially when I’m tired my field of vision become very narrow. So it’s very nice to drive in a game.
Off course I’m not very good at it. I loose most of my races. But what the hack. It’s just a computer game.
Two weeks ago I decided it was time for a change of scenery and I bought Colin McCrea Dirt.
Apart from a little problem with the controls CM Dirt is much better then CMR. It only has one problem.
In CMR you could play all the races. Even if you’ve lost you could go on with the next. In CM Dirt they changed that. With every race you win, you collect points and money. New races are only unlocked when you have enough points. So you have to win.
Playing as a rookie I found that there where enough races easy enough to win some points and unlock a few races. none of the new race where easy enough to win enough points. So there was nothing I could do then start again with some of the races I had lost. With a lot of luck and a little skill I won some.
After winning 15% of the races the program developed a problem. I lost the savegames file and had to start over.
The second round wasn’t as much fun. Again I had to drive races I had won easily, races I had won with a lot of effort and races I didn’t win the first time.
Last Sunday being bored I figured I might as well play a little Dirt.
When I started the game asked me whether I wanted to continue the Japanese race. I’d rather not but if you retire the game keeps bullying you (“Nobody likes quitters”) so I did and lost. The race in Japan is very difficult. A lot of tight turn and slippery roads make it almost impossible. I finished 20th on a field of 20.
After loosing a few more races I had to start all over again. Again the race in the UK.
This race is on gravel with a few very long straights and a few very difficult turns and I always finish last.
Since I always loose I thought that I might as well learn a new skill: Breaking with my left foot.
Using both my feet would no doubt mean that I would forget to steer and drive off the road. But I already do, so it really didn’t matter.
The big difficulty with steering in Dirt is that it is almost impossible to drive straight. The car keeps swaying. Which makes it very difficult to get around corners. Breaking makes matter worse.
The alternative, driving very slowly on the straights, makes for a very boring game and you always loose.
Almost 30 minutes after I started I was back at the Japanese race. By that time I was getting tired and my concentration was fading fast. So I decided to just go for it. I would probably end up in a ravine and loose but I would loose anyway.
The race in Japan starts out quite easy. A few long straights and slight turns.
I still was to slow. At the first quarter of the race I was already falling behind. I didn’t have time to look at the time announchment but the label was red instead of green.
In the second quarter of the race the pace picked up. More turns and sharper turns made the race a little harder. Again the time label was red.
In the third quarter I realized that the car had a natural rhythm to it’s swaying. If I only could think of a way to get the natural rhythm inline with the turns I had to make, I would be saved.
But in the middle of the race I had no time to think about it. I just had to go on.
Soon after that I felt that I lost control of the car. Left, right, left, right… The car almost hit a tree, the fence, the wall. Almost.
I don’t remember seeing the label of the third time announcement.
After a difficult left and right turn I finally see the finish. The last few hundred yard I battle with the controls. Then I fly over the finish.
I’ve won.
With 0.21 seconds to spair.
If there ever was a time that the odds where stacked against me. This was it.
- Driving a race I have never won.
- Being tired and with fading concentration.
- Just having started to learn a new skill.
- Being sure that I would forget some other skill.
- Discovering a skill I’d have to learn while I’m in the midst of a race.
By all accounts I should have lost. But doing the best job I could I won.
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I’ve been reading the weblog of Steve Pavlina for the last two years (or so). Although he can be a bit to new agie at times he also writes a lot of articles I find really interesting.
Over the past two years I have saved several articles planning to get back to them and do something with them. I never did.
The problem is that a lot of those articles are about things like setting goals and having priorities. But I never quite got what the relationship was between those two. I did understand the logic of applying priorities to the things you find important to get the things you want. But I never got what kind of goals would lead to what kind of priorities.
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Apart from the dream of having a half a million Euro drop in to there laps people hardly ever talk about there goals. They do talk about there priorities but to me it always seemed as thought they (wanted) to spend a lot of time doing things I really don’t want to do: Going to the movies with your boy (girl) friend, having a career. (A few years ago while I was trying to improve the working conditions within Promen I was told that I’m very ambitious. Am I ambitious?)
Yesterday Steve finally wrote an article about the relationship between goals and priority: “You want to make the greatest amount of progress towards your goals with the least amount of effort.”
While reading this article the penny dropped. Setting goals is about what I want. Setting priorities is about getting the things done I want to have done. And since I’m autistic I need different things then most people.
So what is my goal? My goal is to reach a situation where I can live as a kind of a reclusive and talk with as few people as possible.
What do I need to reach that goal?
Not having a job. There is no way you can have a job and meet colleagues and not talk with them. I’ve tried. They always think that you’re in a bad mood and try to brighten your day. Which in my case just causes a bad mood.
To live without a job I need to find a way to earn at least €1500 a month after taxes.
When I started this weblog it was meant as a way to publish my drawings. Drawings are my voice. Drawings are the way I express my self. Not having a way to publish them would be like giving a speech to an empty room.
Although I’m not all that in to brandnames I did want to have a Google search engine on my site. I wanted one on my last site and I search high and low before I found out that the search engine is actually meant to earn money. I never quite understand why I’d wanted a Google search engine but now I do. Having a Internet landmark on my site is a way of giving it a bit of structure to my site. It’s not something I’m doing for my visitors but for myself 
.
After a while I also decided it would be nice to have a “donation” button. Not that I expected to earn a lot of money with donation button, but it would be a nice way for people to let me know they appropriate my drawings.
Having a goal will change the whole layout of my life. I will get to make different choices, do different things. A whole new way of living.
Art
Today’s drawing is a bit experimental.
Topographical face 1th sketch
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