by Henk ter Heide on Monday August 17, 2009
I feel trapped.
My job is boring and pointless.
My favorite bar is about to go belly up (although the owner still doesn’t know it).
I have hardly any friends.
I hardly ever talk to the kind of people I like to talk with.
I’ve got to get out of here.
Being autistic I’m told that I lack the skills that are necessary to find a new job.
Maybe so. But you never really know until you’ve tried, do you.
So I decided that even if I don’t find a job I should try. If only because you always learn something from trying.
On Monsterboard I found the question “Where do you want to be in five years?”
Thinking about that I realized that’s one of my problems.
I’m only 47 yrs and I live in the past. (We all do at the sheltered workplace.)
I’m always thinking about what went wrong. What aspects of my autism lead me to the place I’ve ended up.
But that’s a dead end.
Knowing how I got here will never help me to get on.
Not with my life.
And not with my art.
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.
by Henk ter Heide on Monday October 1, 2007
I have to dial down my expectations to, hopefully, reach a point where I can fulfill my expectations.
Working at the sheltered workplace I meet a lot of people who feel that they are destined to do an important job.
Usual they are people who were born with an disability. They were told there whole lifes that people with a disability should have the same rights as other people. Sadly they were never told that they should fight as hard as other people.
For the largest part these people have hardly any schooling and never had the taste of a real job before they entered the sheltered workplace. Although they know almost nothing about real life and do the most stupid of jobs they still feel that an important job should be handed to them on a silver platter.
Although I’m also born with a disability I never knew that. A few years ago it was suggested that something might be wrong with me. I only last year it was found that I have autism.
Living in the real world I’ve always known that you have to fight for those things that are important to you. I never was very succesfull with my fight, but I did know.
I would never have expected that I would fall for the feeling that I should get something for nothing.
But I have.
When I started drawing, earlier this year, I felt that since I could see pictures clearly in my minds eye, it should be very easy to draw them. I should be able to create beautiful drawings without much of an effort.
With my first drawing I found that what I see in my minds eye looks nothing like the real thing. But I figured that with a little more experience I could make it work.
But my last two drawings make it very clear that I won’t be able to draw the pictures in my mind.
So I find myself at something of a fork in the road.
What to do next.
Feeling some what panicked last week I have been thinking about just giving up. Just putting my pencils in a cupboard and forgetting they ever excisted.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t go back to a life of watching telly and playing computer games.
That would leave a big hole in my life.
The other possibility is to start experimenting. Stop trying to draw the pictures in my mind. Instead just draw.
People with autism are supposed to have very little imagination so I have no idea where that will lead me.
Maybe at some point I will find that I will have gained the skills to draw the pictures in my mind. But it is also possible that I’ll just draw nice, hopefully some beautiful, pictures without ever reaching that goal.
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.
by Henk ter Heide on Monday August 6, 2007
BAVO RNO
Tomorrow I have a apointment at BAVO RNO. That is an organisation that helps people with autism to find a suitable job. At the moment I’m working at the sheltered workplace Promen in Gouda who also should have given me a suitable job but instead they have me doing unskilled labor.
Mind numbing job
When I say unskilled I really mean very stupid work. At the moment I’m one of a two person team cutting ends of rubber to size. Last thursday I had a headache and worked with my eyes closed. Still my work was of such quality that nobody noticed.
Sadly that’s more due to the stupidity of the job then to my skills.
better job
Three months ago I did an intake interview at BAVO RNO. They told me about a methode they use to figure out what kind of work you’d like to do. Then they school you (if nessesary) and help you find a job.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to get something that involves a little programming.
In any event I should be getting work that pays a little more. Which hopefully will mean that I can work fewer hours and spend more time drawing and writing for this blog.
Reading about art
The only thing I remember from my art history lessons in school was that they were very boring. But since I’m doing a site about drawing and art I though it would be a good idea to read a bit about art.
Luckily the library has a large collection.
Although I’ve only just started I’m already finding that art history isn’t at all like I remember. Maybe I’ve changed but it’s very interesting to read about all those famous painters.
As a sort of bonus I’m finding that reading about art is giving me all sorts of idea for drawings I could make and techniques I should try.
Van Gogh
One of the painters I’ve been reading about is Van Gogh. It seams that the famous story about him that I remember from school isn’t true. The one about him painting for his whole live without ever selling a painting isn’t entirely right.
He did sell some painting and, more important, he was reconized by is peers as doing ground breaking work. It’s just that not everybody liked the work he was doing.
Chair with pillows and blue t-shirt
One of the funny things I read about Van Gogh was that when he was in an asylum he just went on painting. Lacking other subjects he did many paintings of the furniture of his room.
After reading that I realize something that I never thought about.
I tend to think of my furniture as very common because I see it on a daily basis.
But actually there are only a few people who have ever seen my furniture. Which means it’s as good a subject for a drawing as anything I could arrange.
Chair with pillows and blue t-shirt
Less perfect
I came across the website of a Dutch painter living and working in Wales. He has a vague style of painting. It’s just as though you looked through the wrong glasses.
I wanted to do the drawing of the chair in that style but although I couldn’t, it did help me. Instead of trying to get every detail perfect I tried to capture the chair as a whole.
Featured at See me draw
This is by far the strangest site I’ve come across up till now.
Apparently Scott Wade has very dirty cars which he uses as canvas to draw.
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.