by Henk ter Heide on Sunday October 26, 2008
Dealing with anger by selectively listening to comments.
The series about what I learn in cognitive behavior therapy consist of the following parts:
- Cognitive behavior therapy
- Strong anonymous feelings
- 751
- Feelings scared
- Accepting comments selectively
- Mad as Hell
One of the assignment of CBT two weeks ago was to find the psychical sensations associated with feeling angry.
Seeing as how easy it was to find the psychical sensation associated with feeling fear I didn’t expect that to be very hard. But it turned out to be impossible.
Although I’ve been angry several times in the last two weeks I never noticed that I was angry until the anger passed. So I did notice that being angry causes you to raise your voice. And I noticed that I have trouble expressing myself when I’m angry. I kind of loose the ability to talk.
But I don’t know how it feels.
Talking about this with the psychiatrist, he suggested to investigate whether I have some thought or feeling just before I get angry. So if I can’t recognize my anger by the psychical sensation I might at least be able to recognize it by the thoughts I have just before.
That assignment turned out to be far more easier then I expected. You would think that if you aren’t aware of your feeling of anger you wouldn’t know what happens just before you get angry. But that turned out to be obvious.
I’m always commenting on myself. Or actually I’m always imaging people commenting on me.
Turns out that when I imagine someone talking me down, I feel scared. When I imagine someone giving me a comment in which he tells me that he didn’t listen to something I had to say, I feel anger.
After I found that, I figured I should go to the next level. Knowing what scares and angers me, I should be able to avoid getting those feelings altogether.
But I’ve tried for years to stop myself from imagining people who are commenting on me. I’ve never succeeded and I really don’t know how I could. Further more the comments I imagine that people are giving me are based on comments I really get from people. They frighten and anger me just as much when I get them for real as when I imagine it happening.
Thinking about something a Steve Pavlina says somewhere in his blog: You can decide for yourself which comments have meaning for you and which don’t.
Sometimes people are only commenting because it’s easier for them to let you do the work then to do the work themselfs.
I decided to only accept two kinds of comments:
- Comments about things I can actually change.
- Comments about things that are my responsibility.
This is the point I reached last wednesday. After living with these rules for two days it seemed as though all my problems were solved.
I came across several situation where my feelings about myself improved significantly after using these rules. Some of those situations only existed in my imagination while others were actually happening.
The most important one was when I told my father that I had found out that something I used to fight about with my mother really wasn’t my fault. Most autistics have this problem.
But he didn’t believe me!
That horrified me until I realized that it really didn’t matter anymore. This isn’t something I can change, whether he believes me or not. It’s not my responsibility to decide what he believes. And last but not least I been living on own for the better part of 30 years so he can’t really hurt me.
I really expected that this would be the end of my problems. That I would stop talking to myself and start drawing and writing art reviews again.
But it didn’t. The talking to myself has actually gotten worse. I can’t find the energy to draw and to write reviews. (Although I will be publishing the blog carnival next wednesday.)
But the anger and the fear are gone!
I just have to figure out what’s next.
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.
by Henk ter Heide on Monday October 20, 2008
Recognizing some more feelings.
The series about what I learn in cognitive behavior therapy consist of the following parts:
- Cognitive behavior therapy
- Strong anonymous feelings
- 751
- Feelings scared
- Accepting comments selectively
- Mad as Hell
The thing is.
When you’re writing a series of articles about the therapy you’re doing to learn to recognize your feelings, you’re tempted to wanting to write the causes of all those new feelings you find. But it doesn’t always work that way.
Last week I was going to write an article about the link between friendship and fear. But it didn’t feel right.
(That’s one of those strange things of being autistic: How can you feel that something doesn’t feel right if you don’t know what you’re feeling?
I’m told that is because reacting to a feeling is regulated by one part of the brain and recognizing a feeling is regulated by an other part. That second part of the brain doesn’t work as it should in autistics. But it’s still very strange.)
Last week I discovered that the always present feeling of cold has nothing to do with autism.
Apparently I’m afraid of something and have been so for years. Only I don’t know what it is that I’m afraid of.
Last night I found an other sign of fear.
I’m about 30 kilo over weight as of result of my ever present feeling of hunger. I’ve tried to start a diet several times but every time the feeling of hunger wins out.
Last night I had two opposing feelings.
On the one hand I had the feeling my tummy would burst but at the same time I had a feeling of hunger.
So I eat. About twice as much as I would have eaten on a normal day. The feeling that my tummy would burst became much stronger. But still I had the feeling of hunger.
Thinking about it, it became clear that I was interpreting this feeling wrong.
So what could it be.
Luckily I know the list of psychical sensations associated with feeling scared. Just like a few weeks ago I found that knowing a list and recognizing a feeling are two separate things. But when you start thinking about what a feeling could mean it’s far more easier if you know the list.
In this case I have a fairly nasty feeling in my throat.
I used to associate this feeling with being sick. But some 20 years ago I found that eating something would make this feeling go away. So I concluded that it probably would have something to do with feeling hungery.
But now it’s clear that concussion was false. This is also a feeling of fear.
(Of course eating when you’re scared will give you the feeling that you’re in control and then the feeling of fear will pass.)
So I’m scared.
And I’ve been scared for at least the last 20 years.
And I have no clue as to why I’m scared.
It’s actually a nice to know that I’m scared.
As strange as that may sound.
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.
by Henk ter Heide on Thursday October 9, 2008
Recognizing the feelings that have to do with drawing enables me to draw.
The series about what I learn in cognitive behavior therapy consist of the following parts:
- Cognitive behavior therapy
- Strong anonymous feelings
- 751
- Feeling scared
- Accepting comments selectively
- Mad as Hell
Although we’re not yet there, I asked the psychiatrist whether a strong tingling feeling in your body is a happy feeling.
He was not sure. Could be. But he did say that if I enjoyed the feeling it’s probable that it has something to do with feeling happy.
I do enjoy the feeling.
Now I know that it is supposed to be happy feeling I find that I’m able to just sit down and draw. I can resist the urge to jump through the room.
I’m also trying a new technique.
After finding that my problem isn’t with drawing techniques but with recalling techniques, I’ve decided I should draw more interesting scenes the a bunch of rising squares. And since it isn’t possible to draw a lighter color on top of a darker color, as you would with paint (Or at least it is possible but it isn’t visible if you do), I’ve decided to try a new technique.
So this drawing is based on some image I imagined a few days ago. I’m starting with the lighter colors and working my way up to the darker colors.
I’m not quite sure what I must do after this but hopefully I will know by tomorrow.
751
If you like the stories I tell. Or like the art and music I show. Feel free to leave a donation.
Accepting comments selectively
by Henk ter Heide on Sunday October 26, 2008
Dealing with anger by selectively listening to comments.
The series about what I learn in cognitive behavior therapy consist of the following parts:
One of the assignment of CBT two weeks ago was to find the psychical sensations associated with feeling angry.
Seeing as how easy it was to find the psychical sensation associated with feeling fear I didn’t expect that to be very hard. But it turned out to be impossible.
Although I’ve been angry several times in the last two weeks I never noticed that I was angry until the anger passed. So I did notice that being angry causes you to raise your voice. And I noticed that I have trouble expressing myself when I’m angry. I kind of loose the ability to talk.
But I don’t know how it feels.
Talking about this with the psychiatrist, he suggested to investigate whether I have some thought or feeling just before I get angry. So if I can’t recognize my anger by the psychical sensation I might at least be able to recognize it by the thoughts I have just before.
That assignment turned out to be far more easier then I expected. You would think that if you aren’t aware of your feeling of anger you wouldn’t know what happens just before you get angry. But that turned out to be obvious.
I’m always commenting on myself. Or actually I’m always imaging people commenting on me.
Turns out that when I imagine someone talking me down, I feel scared. When I imagine someone giving me a comment in which he tells me that he didn’t listen to something I had to say, I feel anger.
After I found that, I figured I should go to the next level. Knowing what scares and angers me, I should be able to avoid getting those feelings altogether.
But I’ve tried for years to stop myself from imagining people who are commenting on me. I’ve never succeeded and I really don’t know how I could. Further more the comments I imagine that people are giving me are based on comments I really get from people. They frighten and anger me just as much when I get them for real as when I imagine it happening.
Thinking about something a Steve Pavlina says somewhere in his blog: You can decide for yourself which comments have meaning for you and which don’t.
Sometimes people are only commenting because it’s easier for them to let you do the work then to do the work themselfs.
I decided to only accept two kinds of comments:
This is the point I reached last wednesday. After living with these rules for two days it seemed as though all my problems were solved.
I came across several situation where my feelings about myself improved significantly after using these rules. Some of those situations only existed in my imagination while others were actually happening.
The most important one was when I told my father that I had found out that something I used to fight about with my mother really wasn’t my fault. Most autistics have this problem.
But he didn’t believe me!
That horrified me until I realized that it really didn’t matter anymore. This isn’t something I can change, whether he believes me or not. It’s not my responsibility to decide what he believes. And last but not least I been living on own for the better part of 30 years so he can’t really hurt me.
I really expected that this would be the end of my problems. That I would stop talking to myself and start drawing and writing art reviews again.
But it didn’t. The talking to myself has actually gotten worse. I can’t find the energy to draw and to write reviews. (Although I will be publishing the blog carnival next wednesday.)
But the anger and the fear are gone!
I just have to figure out what’s next.
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