Madonna – Evita – You Must Love Me
Jesus Christ Superstar – Could We Start Again Please
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A few days ago I said that I don’t like the kind of stories I tell now days. And in one sense I don’t.
Twenty years ago, for a short while, I wrote very happy stories. Stories about the things I saw. Like a game two little children thought up while waiting in a butcher’s shop.
These stories where fun.
But at the same time they where a little childish.
I started this blog because I thought that I could use drawings to tell my story.
I had just discovered that I have a photographic memory. And I thought that if I would show the pictures in my mind people would understand who I am.
Picture tell a 1000 words, don’t they?
Turns out they don’t.
A 1000 words are about 2 pages of text. Which take me about five minutes to type.
(Provided I know before hand what I want to tell.)
A picture on the other hand take hours to draw. And they takes a lot of skill. And there is no way you can work on your drawing except when your sitting at your desk.
But mostly drawing bores me.
Having thought a few day about why I mostly write about myself. I conclude that is because that’s what I’m thinking about.
Writing about funny things children do might be fun. But writing about the things that affect me is way more interesting.
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Yesterday the free writing exercise really worked. After thinking up some ideas I really got at something I could write about.
So now the pressure is on. I should be able to think of something today.
Probably I won’t.
Anyway. I could write about the birds and the bees. I won’t because I don’t know very much about making children. Seeing as I don’t have any.
Just kidding. I have been told in school how people make children. But being gay I don’t have much experience with girls.
Non at all actually.
I could write about the plants and the grass. Or the cars and the buses. Or the houses and the apartment buildings.
Or how it is with the weather.
Apparently we’re in for a heavy winter this year.
Last month I read in the papers that it will get to minus 23 degrees C. But not in the Netherlands but in England.
Which is a good thing.
I don’t think that I’ve ever have experienced something like that.
Or actually I am sure. I never have.
I would expect that the trains would come to a stand still. What would mean that I couldn’t go to my work.
What’s worse is that the shopping mall would probably run into problems stocking the place up. Which in turn would get problematic for me since I only have a few days of food in my house.
I’ve written about half a page of text. Which means that I should go on and write some more.
But for the moment I’m happy that I’ve gotten rid of the blank page that was staring at me a few minutes ago.
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I ran out of story ideas.
Well actually not, but I just get bored from only writing about me.
There should be so many more, more interesting stories to tell.
This afternoon I realized that I’ve become so used to thinking about problems that I can’t think about anything else.
But it stands to reason to expect that if I just stop thinking about problems something else will come up.
I could write about the sun shining through the clouds.
Or I could right about write and left.
I could tell a story about a trek I ones made through the snow to the local shopping mall to buy food and sweets to enjoy during the Christmas days.
Everything was white. About 10 cm of snow had fallen. What is unusual for the Netherlands.
(Funny to think that if you cross the Pacific in a straight line you’ll get to Canada where they have 2 meter of snow every year.)
Anyway. Usually I go by bike. But because of the snow that was impossible. So I walk and it was lovely.
There where a lot of people walking about. Some to do their shopping. Others where enjoying the snow and the ice and the silence.
That was what struck me most.
The silence.
It was as though the city had come to a stand and surrendered to nature. There were hardly any cars and motorbikes on the road. There where a few cyclist but most of them walk with their bikes on there hand.
At the parking lot of the mall a bulldozer was busy clearing the snow.
I’ve never even seen that in the Netherlands.
The super market was filled with people doing their last Christmas shopping.
Usually shopping takes about 10 minutes. This time it took me more then half an hour to find that most of the stuff I wanted was sold out.
The way back was again very peaceful.
I ran into some neighbors who had some difficulty getting through the snow.
But even they loved it.
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For more manipulated pictures visit HumanDescent
Snaippo
Frederick the Fruck
Fird or Bish
Feeeeeeed me
Dord
Eye eye eye dunno
Catird
Leogator
hypnolizardthing…
Tasty
Sweet demon
Unhappy
Ready to eat
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More digital paintings by 00AngelicDevil00
Another Hidden Civilization
Rebirth
Deep in the forest
Dreaming of paradise
Asian dreams
Spring excursion
The scent of spring
Maple magic
Protection
The magic swamp
Coral reef
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Sometimes you have to marry two unrelated problems to solve them
First problem
I have no friends. At all.
I used to have them.
I remember from my childhood that I had 3 friends. Three boys that lived on the
same block, whom I called friend. But I don’t remember if I spend much time
doing things with them.
When I was almost 12 we moved house and I lost my friends.
In my late twenties early thirties I got a few friends again. Again three friend
but now in succession. Every one of those friendships lasted for about 2 years.
And every one of those friendships felt like a lot of work.
The first two guy visited me ones every 6 to 8 weeks. But only if I invited them.
In between visits we never talked to each other. It seemed as though it was up to
me to contact them and make the arrangements.
The third came every week. Although I liked it, it seemed a little too much.
I would have liked it better if he had come every two or three weeks.
After about 2 years he stopped visiting me and I was relieved.
It was only when I found out that I’m autistic that I learned that there is a
difference between the needs of people with autism and NT‘s.
I’ve been told that the relationships of people with autism is more shallow as
compared to NT’s.
Maybe that’s true. It’s not something I can check.
What I do know though is that I’m not interested in about 90% of what NT’s talk
about. And that I need far more “me” time then NT’s.
Two autistic friend of mine moved in together a few years ago.
To do so they bought a house containing a living room plus three bed rooms. Of
which they converted two to personal rooms.
They agreed that if one of them withdrew into his/her personal room. The other
would leave him/her alone.
In a relation I too need that amount of personal space. Which makes it difficult
to be in a relationship with an NT.
The only way I could ever get in a relationship is when I find a gay autistic guy
I like.
But what are the odds of that happening?
Second problem
In one of the episodes of Star Trek Generation Wesley Crusher is tasked with
learning to lead men. He isn’t very successful at it and the men go off and do
their own thing.
Trying to figure out how to command men he asks Commander Riker “What gives me
the right to tell people (twice my age) what they should do?”
And Riker answers “If you figure that out you’ll be able to lead men.”
I always found this kind of a strange episode because I have almost the
opposite problem.
I’ve been leading people for the last 15 years.
First in my volunteers work later in my job.
Most of the time I lead by example but some times I ask people to do something
and usually they do.
But I too don’t know the answer to the question “what gives me the right?”.
So it would seem that Riker (or the person who wrote the story) is wrong.
It is possible to lead people without knowing the answer to that question.
Or at least that’s what I’ve been thinking for years. But recently I’ve
found that isn’t entirely true.
I’ve always used my ability to lead people to reach goals that where clearly
in the best interest of everybody. Improving the way the work was organized.
Teaching people how to do their work more easily. Improving the mood at the
department. Etc.
I never used it for personal gain. Although it’s clear to me that you can
improve your own life by the way you lead people I’ve never done that.
I’ve never dared.
The marriage
A few weeks ago a colleague mentioned Paul and told a story about something
stupid he had done.
Paul is a colleague who visited me ones a few years ago. I liked the guy
and was dreaming about getting friends. But it didn’t happen.
Most of my colleagues have problems. But I was surprised and shocked by the
number of problems that he had. And the kind of problems. Stupid problems
that he should be able to fix himself. But apparently he wasn’t.
For a year I thought of inviting him for a second time. But I never did.
After hearing his name I found myself doubting my decision never to invite
him again.
He is a nice guy. Even if he needs a lot a care.
Around the same time I took a few days sick leave. My department was
planning a move. We had to leave the space we where in, but it wasn’t
clear were we where going.
I can’t deal with that kind of uncertainty. And, so I found, neither
can some of my colleagues.
One of them told me that he resented me leaving them in such a stressful
situation.
And so I found myself thinking about friendship and about leadership at
the same time. And a few things became clear.
The answer to the question “what gives me the right?” is responsibility.
People follow me because I improve their lives. I take care of them.
Which means that it is possible to lead people in a way that will improve
my life, but only if it also improves their lives.
The second thing I realized is that it is possible to get friends that
are not autistic. The only thing is that it’s up to me to make sure that
they behave in a way that I feel comfortable.
Which means that I will have to lead them and take responsibility for them.
So now I’m thinking about inviting Paul again. What kind of care does he
need. Something I can give him?
I think so.
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To see more of these beautiful illustrations visit Jenovah-Art
Memory lane
Temple lagoon
Iroshi
Urban jungle
Chromatism
Burning ghats
The great tree
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