Autism causes some problems with feeling the need to relief myself. (A somewhat graphic description.)

For years I’ve had this annoying habit of having to go when ever I left for somewhere or arrived somewhere.
In my teens I didn’t think anything about it. I just did. At times my mother would get very angry because of my need to “go” at the last moment. But I thought that just was part of our ongoing battle.

I only realized that something strange was going on when I got my first IT job.
We worked in two shifts. An early shift from 8 AM till 5 PM and a two men late shift from 3 PM till the work was finished.
When I worked the early shift every thing went the usual way. Just before leaving at 5 PM I would go. But when I worked the late shift I began to notice something odd. The two man shift had to perform some tasks together and every man had a few task of his own.
So it would often happen that one of us was finished while the other still had a few minutes work. In such cases the first one to finish would turn out the lights in none essential areas and get his stuff so we could leave the moment the other was finished.
When I was the first to finish I also would go to the toilet knowing that we would leave within a few minutes.
The strange thing was that it happened several times that while I was leaving the toilet my colleague would announce that he was finished and that we could leave. In which case I turned around and again went to the toilet.
While going to the toilet for the second time in one minute I felt very guilty. But how ever guilty I felt I couldn’t stop myself.

It was only when I started working at the sheltered workplace that I realized that this wasn’t just a habit but something much more compulsive.
By Dutch law large companies are compelled to give employee a break every two hours and to service them with a canteen where they can eat there lunch, grab a smoke etc.
While working at the sheltered workplace I found I had to go every time on route to the canteen and on route back to the department.
It got ridiculous. Going to the toilet ten times a day: When leaving my home, when arriving at my work, when going to the canteen and coming back (6 times) and when going back to my home and when arriving at home. And then in the evening I would go ones when I went to sleep.

The last eight month’s since I started working at the shop in Cappelle my toilet compulsion is getting frightening. It’s a thirty minute drive and every day I’m afraid that I won’t make it without having an accident.

Two weeks ago the Autism center send me some help that took the shape of an “Social Psychiatric Nurse”. A gentlemen that is going to help me organize my housekeeping and deal with a few other problems.
After telling him about my toilet problems he suggested that I should eat bran to activate my bowels.

After eating bran for two weeks I’ve finally figured out what the problem was: I’ve never been able to feel my bowel movement! So I never knew when I had to go. So I always squeezed my buttocks together. Which for some reason gave me the feeling that I had to pee.

The last two weeks I’ve taken some sick leave to have some time to learn to recognize the different feelings that warn you. Which turned out to be somewhat complicated because you have no way of knowing if you really have to go without going.
So if you don’t trust your feelings and you are really afraid that you will soil yourself, you tend to go early only to find that you actual didn’t have to go. Then while you are mustering up your courage you can withstand ever stronger feelings that might mean that you have to go.

At the moment I’m reasonably certain that I will be able to recognize the feelings. So next Wednesday I’ll resume my work. Let’s see how it works out.