I have to dial down my expectations to, hopefully, reach a point where I can fulfill my expectations.

Working at the sheltered workplace I meet a lot of people who feel that they are destined to do an important job.
Usual they are people who were born with an disability. They were told there whole lifes that people with a disability should have the same rights as other people. Sadly they were never told that they should fight as hard as other people.
For the largest part these people have hardly any schooling and never had the taste of a real job before they entered the sheltered workplace. Although they know almost nothing about real life and do the most stupid of jobs they still feel that an important job should be handed to them on a silver platter.

Although I’m also born with a disability I never knew that. A few years ago it was suggested that something might be wrong with me. I only last year it was found that I have autism.
Living in the real world I’ve always known that you have to fight for those things that are important to you. I never was very succesfull with my fight, but I did know.
I would never have expected that I would fall for the feeling that I should get something for nothing.

But I have.

When I started drawing, earlier this year, I felt that since I could see pictures clearly in my minds eye, it should be very easy to draw them. I should be able to create beautiful drawings without much of an effort.
With my first drawing I found that what I see in my minds eye looks nothing like the real thing. But I figured that with a little more experience I could make it work.
But my last two drawings make it very clear that I won’t be able to draw the pictures in my mind.

So I find myself at something of a fork in the road.
What to do next.
Feeling some what panicked last week I have been thinking about just giving up. Just putting my pencils in a cupboard and forgetting they ever excisted.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t go back to a life of watching telly and playing computer games.
That would leave a big hole in my life.

The other possibility is to start experimenting. Stop trying to draw the pictures in my mind. Instead just draw.
People with autism are supposed to have very little imagination so I have no idea where that will lead me.

Maybe at some point I will find that I will have gained the skills to draw the pictures in my mind. But it is also possible that I’ll just draw nice, hopefully some beautiful, pictures without ever reaching that goal.