Bart Westgeest suggested that I should use three colors green for a tree instead of two, four or five as I’ve been trying up till now. He suggest that especially the middle color is important. I’ve used three greens for this pictures although probably not in the way he meant.

It’s now a little over six months ago that I discovered that I’m autistic and I must say that although it took some getting used to it has made my live a lot easier.

Last Wednesday I had a … attack. I don’t know what to call the feeling but it isn’t a nice feeling. Somewhere between feeling trapped and being restless.

Looking out of my kitchen window

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I have had it before. Lots of times. Up till now when I got this feeling I asked my manager for the rest of the day off and usually got it. But since it was a feeling I had lots of times it meant that I never took vacation because I needed my days for the … attack.

This time was different in that I knew that it had something to do with autism. I even had some idea as to what caused the attack: The work I’ve been doing was a little bit to chaotic for me. I liked it and I’ll probably do it again but I must make it clear to my manager that I decide when it is time to quit. This time he forced me to go on when I wanted to stop.

It has been like this for the last few months. Slowly all sorts of strange problems I’ve been having for most of my live are making more sense. For instance I never understood why people didn’t take me serious when I said that I didn’t like some kind of work. Now I know that was because I didn’t formulated it the right way.

For me “I don’t like” means every thing varying from I don’t like being tickled to I don’t like being killed. But Neuro Typical don’t see it like that. They use words that not only tell you what feeling they have but also to what degree they have that feeling. So they will tell you they don’t like some kind of work but do it if they must or they’ll tell you that they hate some kind of work and they won’t do it what ever the consequence.

Off course I always told people that I didn’t like something and that I wouldn’t do it what ever the consequence and people told me that I was being stubborn. I never understood why I was being stubborn while the next person was allow not to do the work.

Always being tench was also one of the strange things. Especially always talking to myself. I always had the feeling that talking to myself had something to do with tension but I never was sure. Nor did I understand what caused the tension.

Now I know. There are several causes but the most important has to do with the way I feel temperature. When I put on a sweater I feel cold shivers going down my back. Literally. My back doesn’t feel warmth. Or rather my back does feel warmth but everything is a little bit colder. Sweaters, showers even a sauna bath feels a little colder on my back.

When I first discovered this, it frightened me. It took a lot of getting used to.

When I go outside in the winter and I feel cold that doesn’t mean that my coat is to thin. It means that my coat is to thick.

But after a few months I’ve gotten used to it. I learning how to interpret the strange feelings I have. I’m learning how to understand them. I’m learning how to deal with them.

Hopefully in a few weeks I will get a large examination and find out what kind of autism I have and learn more about my feelings.

The only problem is the waiting list. I was registered in September 2006 and was told that the waiting period would be about six months. ByOctober I got a letter informing me that the waiting period had gone up to seven months. At the beginning of April I contacted them and was told that my examination would start within six weeks. In May they told me that it would be within three weeks.

I will be calling them again next monday.

But still. Although it’s sometime a frightening experience I am learning about myself.